My wife is unfaithful
For 3 weeks I was a mess. Not sure if I was going to be with my wife again and not sure how I would live without her. Australia Day weekend she said she was happy to make it work. Last night, 11 feb, I got a number of calls from a private number. I eventually answered and was told by an unknown man what my wife had been doing. I came back to bed and asked her about it. It took her a bit but she admitted to it.
She then told me she wanted to tell me but was not sure how or when. Her reasoning is that she was lost and not sure where we were at although we had discussed the move back in and also having another child this year. Is this the only time? I did it for my wife and son. I feel like it was a waste of time.
I cant aduse you to go either way, forgive or reject. Its a decision you have to make. However, this situation is a little different than an affair while in a marriage. At the time you and her were not together, and that makes it different IMO.
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She had insecurities and the stress of being a carer? Normally I'd preach - no way! But I'm hesitant about condemning her. Also I wouldnt leave the family home again- it creates other issues. I'm very sorry to hear about your situation: Betrayal triggers such painful feelings, and you were already struggling with depression and anxiety.
That's so hard for you, feeling pushed back into the black hole you were struggling to dig yourself out of. I feel its going to be rough for you for a while, and self care is going to be very important.
They come home later
If you have a psychologist that you can see, please do that. I know its hard to look after yourself when you are so low, but its important to do your best. This pain does pass, you just have survive it. Having had experienced more betrayal than I would have preferred, I would like to help you with some suggestions.
First thing, is its really important to get control over your black and white thinking and panic-induced thinking, that cause your feelings to spiral out of control: Here are some examples, which we all feel when we've been betrayed:. Clint, like Tony mentioned, you do have a fairly extenuating circumstances to explain what happened. You were technically separated, and your wife was alone caring for your young child. I would say its fairly certain you could trust that those circumstances had a lot to do with what happened.
You have the power to change how you deal with your depression.
Leaving your family and responsibilities behind you impacted your marriage, and caused you even more pain. Are there other options you've considered? Its very important to have these discussions with your wife. This is the most painful thinking of all. Almost everyone who is betrayed feels this way. I find you have to force yourself not to indulge these thoughts. Its simply untrue, and you will spiral down the more you let yourself think like that. Shut those thoughts down. This is a hard one. You do need work together as a team to rebuild trust, it can't be a solo effort.
Boundaries and transparency with things like phone and email do help a lot in the beginning. Perhaps the best perspective to have is to realize there are still a lot of things you can trust about your partner. Things about her nature, and capabilities. All you know for certain is she was untrustworthy when you left her to raise your child on her own. Thank you for the replies. I may not have explained myself entirely well.
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- They come home later.
Being that when I wrote this thread my train of thought is very jumbled. Ues I was not living at the family home full time.
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But my responsibilities for my family were not forgotten or entirely neglected. At the time that this occurred, now pinpointed to the 2 weeks prior to Xmas, I had spent a fair amount of time back in our home. We were talking about OUR plans for the new year which included having another baby which we already have names picked out for.
It is pretty well established that when I went away for Work she had this man come to the house possibly that same day. She has said to me that she was ashamed and knew she did the wrong thing the same day that it occurred. My thought process now is if she was ashamed of the event nearly 2 months ago why has she only just stoped being in contact with him last weekend? This makes me wonder what her intentions were and if it was more than once.
Although now it seems that the guy was really only after 1 thing from her. Which also hurts me to know that he used my wife as a conquest, possibly. And after the relationship I was in prior, that is very important to me, but not once did she give me a reason to doubt her or mistrust her. Until now. I am concerned that I may never fully trust her again.
I am pretty sure I can forgive her but I do not think I can forget. Its perfectly reasonable not to forget what you learned. Its part of your life experience and ultimately empowering. I find that if you are experiencing mistrust, its best to ask for reassurances, and for you to define them. You may only need them for a little while.
The purpose of reassurance is that you can see evidence of her being trustworthy, and each time you see it with your own eyes, you will feel more assured and it will improve your relationship. You need to see evidence to feel trust again. As an example, you could ask for evidence in the form of having access to her communications.
How to tell if your partner is cheating, according to a private investigator | The Independent
Email, facebook, phone, all of it. Its not so you can be a crazy stalker, its for the purpose of you checking when you feel the need, and seeing evidence that she is who she says she is. That's what rebuilds trust - the evidence you see. If she agrees to this, and she probably will, just give it few months.
30 Subtle Signs Your Wife Is Cheating
You will feel your balance again, and see your wife in a more positive light. But yes, never forget what you learned. Its valuable and empowering. Try to articulate to her, what you really need to trust her again. Think it out, its not easy, but very important. Hi guys. Thank you all for the words. They have been helpful. I actually think this devastated me more than the sleeping with him. With the advice of perhaps asking for full transparency of Phone and email I asked to see some messages between my wife and one of her close friends.
After fighting very hard she agreed to show me.